A Hole in the Heart
by Migalouch
Summary: Spoilers for season 3 finale if you don't know what happens stay out!  My take on the finale and how I think it should have all played out.  The roles of the chase are reversed, find out why!


Disclaimer: I do not own Castle ABC does.

A/N: **First off EVERYTHING after this point is one GIGANTIC ***SPOILER*****, so if you don't want the season 3 finale spoiler stop here, go back, and don't read until you watch. Trust me. So this isn't a chapter to "A Black Past" and I decided to put that story on indefinite hiatus. KIDDING! Don't worry that story is going to be continued without a doubt and it will be finished. This however is something that would not leave my darn head alone, and I couldn't get any work done on "A Black Past" until I got this out. Since it is still Castle you should all love it, because while it isn't fluffy clouds and rainbows it still has one heck of an underlying theme about Caskett love.

That being said the reason I wrote this particular piece is because I hated the last 10 seconds of the season 3 finale. I think having Beckett take the bullet is going to keep the status quo of Castle chasing her in place, and really after two and a half seasons of Castle chasing Beckett it is kind of stale. Why does this guy have to keep showing her how much he wants to be with her and she doesn't have to do that same? Just stale. Not to mention Castle's admission also relinquished any power Castle had in the relationship and basically he is now resorted to the role of wait for Beckett to catch up. The dance is over, Castle stopped, and now he is waiting for Beckett to stop as well. The only problem is now there is no reason for Beckett to ever chase Castle and I don't like that.

Because of ALL of that, and more, I wrote a piece that flips the dynamic of the ending. I put it in a way that is basically how I could see it all panning out, albeit my version is a little bit less open ended than what actual writers of a series would do. Regardless I like my version better so HA take that Andrew Marlowe and Company!

As always please drop me a line, this is a one shot and I won't be continuing it. The reason is that the ending is supposed to be open to let everyone decide exactly how it has to be done. Please review to comment, criticize, complain, extol the virtues of, and just talk about the story. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>Title: A Hole in the Heart<strong>

*BEEP… BEEP… BEEP* The steady noise of the heart monitor was both comforting and frightening for Katherine Beckett. The noise signifying not only the constant beating of a heart, but also the fragility of life as it would only take the absence of that noise to indicate a stopped heart, and a life lost.

She was sitting next to the bed of her partner, the man who had literally thrown himself in front of a speeding bullet to shield her. It had all happened so fast, without any warning, one moment she had been giving the eulogy at Captain Montgomery's funeral, the next thing she knew Castle had tackled her to the ground as a loud crack had issued through the air.

*FLASH*

"_Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop. He taught me that we are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes. Captain Montgomery once said to me that for us, there is no victory. There are only battles. And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone to stand."_

"_Our Captain would want us to carry on the fight. And even if there is …" _

_Right in the middle of her sentence she noticed a flicker of rapid movement from the corner of her eye as Castle unexpectedly tackled her to the ground just as a loud CRACK split the air followed by a sharp cry from her partner._

_After forcefully landing on the ground Castle quickly rolled off of her as she sucked in much needed air after having the wind slightly knocked out of her. Reaching a hand up it was then that Kate noticed it for the first time, her pristine white dress glove was covered in blood. _

_Gasping in shock and quickly realizing that the blood wasn't coming from her she rolled to her side to look at the man that tackled her, at Castle. Lying on his back she watched as he gasped for air while a crimson bloom was quickly spreading along his dress shirt. For an instant the world stopped as she locked eyes with his and saw all of the emotions buried underneath. Fear, regret, contentment, sorrow, and many more were flickering through his blue orbs as she looked on._

_Just as suddenly as it began the instant was over as she was scrambling to kneel overtop him as her hand quickly covered the wound in his chest as she applied pressure causing a groan to escape his mouth. Judging by the paleness of his face and the shallow breathing he was exhibiting Kate knew that the bullet had more than likely hit one of his lung and that the odds of him making it to a hospital were very slim._

_Watching a drop of water fall onto her blood soaked hands a part of her mind wondered when it started raining, until the other part of her brain realized that it was a tear and they had rapidly started streaming down her face. Castle was dying in front of her and there was still so much unsaid and undone between the two of them._

"_Castle I am so sorry," she found herself whispering without thinking. Some part of her knew that he may have very little time left on this planet and if that was the case she could not sit back and keep what they had between them unsaid._

"_Rick, I love you. I love you, Rick," she confessed as he looked up at her. Just as she thought his lips were beginning to turn up into a smile he went still._

*FLASH*

From that point Lanie had finally broken free from Esposito and had come to Castle side and immediately slipped into her role as a Medical Doctor. Most people weren't aware that Medical Examiners had to first have a degree as a regular Doctor of Medicine and the surgeons and EMTs had credited Lanie with saving Castle's life by giving him the time to get into an OR.

Kate hadn't realized exactly how she felt about Castle until that moment had happened and she saw him hit. Him being shot had always been one of the biggest fears she had held when he begun to shadow her. At first it was because she didn't want the black mark against her career of having her unwanted civilian shadow hurt on her watch, then it had been because she didn't want his daughter to go through the pain she had felt as a child, gradually it had morphed into him being her friend and wanting nothing to happen to him. Finally, and only recently, did Kate realize it was because she loved him. Against all odds and against all hope Kate truly loved Richard Castle.

Seeing him lying in this bed fighting for his life had been one of the most difficult experiences she had gone through in her life. It felt like her mom all over again but in some cases it was even worse. While she had the comfort of knowing he still lived and breathed she also had the agony of watching every breath he took as possibly being his last. With her mother she had never seen her final moments, and while the darker parts of her mind did sometimes imagine her mom dying alone at the hands of Coonan in that alley, she hadn't witnessed it herself. Here, with Castle, Kate almost came to tears each time she thought that the machine could suddenly stop beeping and that his chest could stop rising and falling.

Kate loved Richard Castle and while that realization should have made everything come together with startling clarity, reality however was never that simple.

*FLASH*

_They all sat in the waiting room, tense and prayerful that their friend, son, father, and more would come out of the surgery successfully._

"_Family of Richard Castle?" a voice called from the OR doors causing every head to snap to attention immediately._

_Upon seeing the surgeon Kate let out a gasp at realizing it was none other than Josh. Apparently the rest of the group from the precinct had a similar reaction because it was only Martha and Alexis that vaulted themselves out of their seats and crowded around the doctor. _

_Before they could even ask Josh was already answering their obvious question. "I first want to say that Mr. Castle successfully pulled through the surgery and is being moved to the ICU as we speak. However, saying that he isn't quite out of the woods yet and will have to be monitored closely over the next week or so to ensure infection doesn't set in."_

_Looking at the members of the 12__th__ he addressed the next part to them, "I received the call that we had a male admitted with a gunshot wound to the chest just as I was finishing up another surgery. When I walked in they already had him prepped and his face covered from my sight, it was only after I finished that I read his chart and realized exactly who I had been operating on."_

_His words caused a collective sigh of relief to pass through the entire room at the news that Castle had pulled through the surgery and that he was alive. Kate herself was stuck in a stupor at realizing exactly who had saved his life. Josh, her boyfriend for several months, the man she was planning on breaking up with since she had just confessed her feelings to Castle hours before, had saved his life. Startled out of her thoughts as Josh came up to stand before her she felt him wrap his arms around her and bring her head to his chest._

"_I know he means a lot to you Kate and I know this must be a hard time. I just want to let you know that I will be here for you every step of the way, and as your boyfriend and not as his doctor I think he is going to pull through this and be back to normal in a matter of months," he said reassuring her._

_Feeling him wrapping his arms around her, and upon hearing his reassuring words, Kate let out of a sniffle causing him to tighten his hold on her in comfort. Wrapped in his grip Kate couldn't help but appreciate what he was doing. After such an act she couldn't break up with him just yet, not after all he had done for Castle and his family. Hugging him back Kate felt conflicted as a part of her saw this as a betrayal to her words to Castle, while another part of her was glad that she had someone to lean on when she needed it most._

*FLASH*

Josh had delivered the wonderful news of Castle making it out of surgery near 24 hours ago and Kate, along with Martha and Alexis, had not left Castle's side since. Looking over to the other side of the bed she saw the daughter and mother of the man curled up and asleep, needing the rest after an extremely stressful and worrying day. They needed their sleep and Kate knew that as soon as one of them awoke she herself would try and catch what little she could while they all waited for the man they loved to wake up so they knew he was ok.

Hearing the door open she turned to see Ryan sticking his head in the slightly parted door. "How is he?" he asked.

Shrugging her shoulders she answered, "The same. He still hasn't woken up but the doctors are saying it shouldn't be much longer."

Nodding his head Ryan then addressed why he was there. "Beckett, we got a lead. On the man that shot Castle."

Hearing this Kate's entire attention was drawn to what exactly Ryan had said, and what exactly that meant. They had a lead on the man that shot Castle, they had a lead that they could follow to the man that had ordered her mother killed. Turning her gaze back towards Castle she realized she didn't want to leave him, not until she knew he was ok. That feeling didn't stop her body from rising out of the chair and moving towards the door however. While she wanted to make sure that Castle was ok a larger part of her wanted to find the man that shot him, and make him lead her to the man that had ordered her mother's death. Taking one last glance back at Castle she was sorry that she wouldn't be here when he woke up. She would leave a message with the nurse's desk, Castle would understand.

**(BREAK)**

One month, it had been one month since Castle had been shot and his life had hung in the balance. It had been one month since they had found the first lead and she had dogged it relentlessly as it spawned more and more red herrings that she tracked down. One month later it had all been for naught at the entire thing had disappeared into the air like a puff of smoke being scattered by the wind.

As she stood in front of Castle's apartment door Kate came to another disturbing realization, it had also been one month since she had last seen or talked to Richard Castle. Ever since they caught that first lead she had practically been living at the precinct hoping to find out who had shot Castle and then make whoever it was tell her who had hired him and who had hired Coonan to kill her mother. Now one month later she had nothing to show for it and she was about to knock on the door of her partner. The man who had saved her life and the man she hadn't even found the time to check in with or see since she had left his hospital room.

While she cringed at the realization that her inaction to try and contact him, or even see him, had been very cold she knew Castle would understand. She had been after the man that had shot him and after the man that had ordered the death of her mother, Castle knew how important that was to her. With this in mind she scrounged up the courage necessary and knocked.

Waiting a minute she finally heard someone shuffling to answer the door followed by Castle's voice calling for her to wait a minute. Hearing the latches and locks being thrown she watched as the door was pulled open and she came face to face with the man himself.

Castle's once bright and smiling face had seen better days. His cheeks were a bit hollow from the weight loss he had endured due to being on a strict diet, and his eyes had darkened circles under them. His skin tone had a whiter shade than she was used to seeing. All in all he looked pretty bad, not bad for a man who had taken a bullet to the chest a month ago, but pretty bad compared to how she remembered him when he was following her.

One thing though that was out of place was the look in his eyes. Instead of the childlike glee or the warmth she usually saw in them when she was around they instead were cold, unfeeling, even somewhat resentful.

"Can I come in?" she asked causing him to step to the side and allow her to walk by him and into the apartment.

Quickly scanning the interior she saw that everything looked just like it always had with the exception of various medication bottles sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch. Judging by the amount of blankets and the laptop stationed there Beckett would bet it was safe to say that is where Castle was camping out today. Looking back she was a little surprised by how little of a distance he had come from the door. Watching him move she noticed a grimace across his face that obviously showed that even walking put him in pain.

Before she could dwell further on the topic Castle spoke. "How can I help you detective?" he asked his voice sounding a bit aloof.

"I wanted to come and see how you're doing. I'm sorry for not being there when you woke up and for not visiting sooner but I have been running down leads for the past month to try and find the man who shot you," she explained as she took a seat.

"It's ok Kate I figured that was what you were doing," he said his tone shifting out of the cold demeanor it had been adopting since the moment she had arrived.

The next thirty minutes was spent filling him in on the case, the leads, and how none of them happened to pan out. During the entire time Kate noticed his attention drifting every now and then but since he was more than likely on pain meds she knew that wasn't something that was unexpected, besides it felt good to once again talk to him about the case, it felt right.

"So as of now we have nothing but I'm sure that by the time you get back something will come back up and we can find out who shot you and he can lead us to the man who ordered my mother's death," she finally said rapping up the thirty minute monologue regarding the case.

Seeing a subtle uncomfortable shift in Castle's eyes Kate's attention zeroed in right away. Something was wrong, something that she knew that she wasn't going to like. Finally he opened his mouth and dropped a bomb on her that was so big it stole her breath. "I won't be coming back to the precinct when I'm healed Kate," he said looking her dead in the eye.

Opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water Kate was stunned, what did he mean he wasn't coming back. "What? Why? Castle what the hell are you talking about?"

Sighing at the inevitable he looked at her and began to explain. "Alexis and Mother asked me to rethink being at the precinct shortly after I woke up. Alexis is scared this won't be the last time I am shot and Mother just as much. Basically they are saying the precinct isn't the safest place for me, and really as I have sat around and thought about it for the past month I have to agree," he said.

"What do you mean it isn't the safest place? Castle sure there are dangers on the job but I need you there, I need you to help me find the man that ordered that shoot and who ordered Coonan to kill my mother. I'll make sure that you're safe, we can take precautions so that your safety is first and foremost," Kate said trying to reassure him that if he came back he would be safe. Before she even finished he was shaking his head.

"Until what Kate? Until you get another piece of evidence that you think is a lead on the man who ordered your mother's murder? When Lockwood escaped safety went right out the window and the only thing you thought of was pushing and pushing until you got your answers. When I tried to reason with you, to convince you that someone was going to get hurt, your response was to toss me aside and not even answer my calls. I'm supposed to be your partner Kate, not some asset that you use then discard when I am no longer being helpful," Castle said with conviction letting her know that everything he said was deadly serious.

Flabbergasted, and not even being able to think of a response she blurted out the only thing she could think of, it was the one admission she had made a month ago. "Castle I love you. Don't throw away what we have out of fear."

"What do we have Kate? What about Josh? What about the fact that a month ago you told me you love me and you're still going out with him? How am I supposed to believe your words when your actions contradict everything you say?" Castle asked.

"Rick you don't understand. I was going to break up with him but then there he was standing in the waiting room, and he was telling us how he had just saved your life, how because of him you would be coming back to us. I was devastated and overjoyed at the same time and he was there. I didn't want him to be, I wanted you to be, but how can I tell him we're done right after that? How can I justify breaking up with him after he saved your life?"

Sighing Castle eased back into his seat. "I told you that you hide in nowhere relationships with men you don't love. Hell you're still in a relationship with Josh even though you just admitted you don't love him. What keeps me from being the next one in a line, what makes me different Kate? Because let me tell you your actions don't seem to tell me I am any different from the other men you've dated in your life."

"The difference is I love you Castle and I mean that. I don't want to use you, I don't want to hide in you, I want to show you what I am because you get it. God help me I don't know why or how but you get it and accept it."

"And what happens when a new clue about who ordered your mom's murder falls into your lap? What happens when that comes back to the forefront? Do I get pushed out of your life again if I become an obstacle in your path? Do you tell me we are through and then not answer my calls?"

Slowly standing he looked down at her almost as if passing judgment. "I really do love you Kate, I mean it. The problem is I don't think you love me. You've been chasing your mother's murderer for so long you don't have the room in your life for anything else. I don't think you know how to love anyone and I'm not going to sit through something that is doomed to fail from the start."

Getting up she stood before him, tears now in her eyes. "So that's it? We're done just like that?"

Using his hand to wipe away her tear Castle's words were actually soothing and encouraging, "No Kate, were not done, not by a long shot. I'll always still be here and my door will always be open. You're just not ready yet and until you are I can't come back and put my life and my emotions at risk again. Unfortunately I can't just think about myself anymore. I can't lie to my baby and tell her that you are doing everything you can to keep me safe, because I know the moment something involving your mother comes up that is no longer true. I have to put Alexis and her concerns first before what I want."

Sniffing, practically openly crying, Kate looked up at him with a teary smile. "That is what love is isn't it? Putting someone before yourself?"

Nodding his head he returned her smile, his thumb stroking her cheek. "That's the only kind of love I know."

"So when I'm ready, when I am ready to love you, you're saying you'll come back?" she asked, hope laced in her voice and her eyes pleading.

Smiling, this time a full smile, Castle's answer caused her heart to jump. "When you're ready Kate nothing can stop me from coming back to you."

Nodding her head she stepped back and wiped her eyes, this time tears didn't sprout back up and fill them once again. Looking at Castle she instilled as much conviction and determination in her voice that she could, "Then I will prove it to you Castle, I'll prove that I'm ready."

With that she turned towards the door and headed out. Kate knew she didn't need to say goodbye, because she wasn't leaving. She had a mission, a mission to show Castle that what she felt for him wasn't what she had felt for Josh, Demming, or Will. She was going to prove to him that she loved him and it wasn't some hollow sentiment that she felt, and by God if she had to chase after him like he had been chasing after her for the past two and a half years she would. Thinking back she realized that Castle always showed his appreciation for her through his actions, a cup of coffee, a bear claw, or a dedication, Castle always did something to prove how much he cared. Well now Kate was going to start doing the same.

Reaching in her pocket she already had her phone in her hand by the time she unlocked his door and walked in the hall, not even giving Castle a second glance. Kate was on a mission and the first thing on her journey to proving what she felt with Castle was making a call that had been long overdue. Castle was right, she was hiding, and it was behind Josh that she had most recently found refuge. Finding his number in her contacts and hitting send Kate knew that now was the time to stop hiding, now is when she would show Castle how much he meant to her.

Kate never looked back, not once, she had a mission. If however she did turn around before leaving Castle's apartment, if she did catch one last glimpse of him, Kate would have seen a smile firmly planted on his face. Castle stood there, smiling at her retreating form, because while he knew that she wasn't quite ready, he also knew it was only a matter of time.

**The End**


End file.
